I am who i am, or trying to be

We had a storm roll through the other day, a beautiful dark storm. It lifted my mood considerably. I was able to come home, turn off my a/c and curl up for a bit with a book. A book about medieval war and gnarly deaths. It was lovely and perfect. 

And yes, that is a strange way to relax, but to each his own. 

Once upon a time I tried to fit in. I hid my eccentricities and agreed with the popular vote, trudged along with the mass majority of my peers, paid attention to the top 100. The Backstreet Boys? I love the Backstreet Boys… they all have nice… shapely hair. I bought fuzzy toe socks the other day… because they’re cool, right? Of course I watched the latest episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, who didn’t?

 I didn’t, that’s who. I was too busy reading about Corrie Ten Boom in Nazi Germany and writing a story that vaguely resembled The Babysitter’s Club. (I may or may not have watched The Babysitter’s Club movie on Netflix last week. Or at least the first hour before I was rudely interrupted by the start of my workday. Sigh.) It was exhausting hiding my scarlet letters of shame from the world. The letters that screamed, “She finds The Mask to be over rated!” “This one over here thinks your high ponytail looks dumb!” “She only bought toe rings to match her friends, she really finds them to be disgusting!”

At some point in college I began disagreeing. Most likely around the same time I trashed the hair straightener and began letting the curls do their thing. And it was amazingly refreshing. I no longer had to lead a double life, and had more time to pursue what I found to be interesting, even if the pursuit was being done solo. Thankfully I have friends who share my odd interests, but for the most part I still live in the minority around these parts. 

Take for instance the bandwagon that rolled through a handful of years ago with the beloved Christian movie Fireproof. “Katelyn you have to watch it! It’s such a great movie!” I turned it off after 15 minutes. Sister Fierce can testify to that. Kirk Cameron, no. The heart of the story was great, don’t get me wrong, but the film itself was too cheesy to stomach. Instead, I most likely went back to reading 100 Years of Solitude or wrote my short story for a class on Jim Jones and his intriguing, yet horrific cult following. 

Doesn’t everyone go through a time where they study history’s cults? 

There was also the time where it seemed the entire world was wrapped up in some fantasy sports team deal…

Yeah… that’s still happening, I know… let’s not even open up that can of worms. 

Sidenote: I just spent twenty minutes debating about which movie to throw in for the night. Casablanca, The Departed, Tim Burton’s Alice In Wonderland, Uncle Buck, Fargo… Fireproof would die a quick death if shelved with my movies. 

I have jumped on a few bandwagons, but how could you not when Benedict Cumberbatch is involved? Especially when he is depicting Doyle’s beloved Sherlock Holmes character? 

Someday we shall meet Benedict, and you will read me 100 Years of Solitude. We will chuckle at the absurdities and hold a thoughtful discussion on where the line of literary magic surrealism is....
Someday we shall meet Benedict, and you will read me 100 Years of Solitude. We will chuckle at the absurdities and hold a thoughtful discussion on where the line of literary magic surrealism is drawn. I love admire you….

I chose Casablanca by the way… in case you were wondering. But my hand hovered over He’s Just Not That Into You for quite a while. I just wasn’t sure if this single woman’s heart could handle that this evening. 

Some trends over the years I thoroughly enjoyed: Finding the perfect jean jacket, that was slightly distressed yet classy (it’s still hanging in my closet), spending nights chatting with friends on MSN instant messenger, collecting Pogs (so. many. pogs. And still could never have enough), watching Napoleon Dynamite several times over, and listening to Nelly in his early years while cruising with cool Sister Fierce after she obtained her driver’s license.

I am riding this zombie phase like no one’s business as of late, and really enjoying the fact I can use the hype of ‘all natural’ as my excuse for not straightening my hair every day. So, I’m not completely opposed to the “mainstream” culture, I just like to pick and choose when I board and when I do not. I will never board the train for Justin Bieber, Crocs, or Austin Powers. That is a fact.

I am a perpetual people pleaser, because I like to be liked. This will always be part of my makeup, and isn’t always a bad thing (my boss would probably agree with me there). But I have a tendency to let it control many of my decisions, even big life decisions, and that is a bad thing. I had to learn that going along with what everyone else was finding to be fulfilling or entertaining set me up to live a life that I really didn’t enjoy. What a thought, huh?



2 thoughts on “I am who i am, or trying to be

  1. I loved this post! I have felt that way a lot…and I’m also a people-pleaser at heart and have had to learn some tough lessons through that! Keep being quirky and curly! God made ya that beautiful, imperfect way! Thanks for making me smile and laugh today through your words!

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