I had a grand idea. What seemed to be like one at first. I was going to create a second blog. One where I would write solely about my relationship with God, discussed more of what I believed, what I learn from my “studies” and so on.
I went to execute this idea today and realized how ridiculous it was. Just silliness. How can I separate that out from the rest of me? It would be like attempting to remove oil from water. It is me.
I am a people-pleaser. I always have been. I avoid confrontation as much as I avoid having to go into Wal-Mart. Only when it is absolutely essential will I face it (and the bright fluorescent lights). I have found that I do this sometimes with my writing, with this blog even, and it disgusts me. I am not setting out to write only what is sifted through my people-pleasing filters. I don’t want to have to analyze every sentence I put down just to make sure it doesn’t offend someone. I just want to write what is inside of me.
Hopefully you wonderful readers will stick with me even if I do write about something that isn’t necessarily up your alley. I know I am random, I know each post is about something completely unrelated to the one before it, but the worst thing in my mind is to be predictable.
So my grand idea is a flop and I am okay with that. I don’t want to lose the oil in my water. (Does that even make sense?)
I am having a rough time getting into the swing of things here lately. Part of that could be contributed to realizing that my next holiday off is Memorial Day. Memorial Day people! Talk about looking at a daunting calendar. Clock in. Clock out. Clock in. Clock out. For about another 108 days till then. It does not help having an older sister who is a teacher either, or a brother-in-law that works for a credit union.
“You don’t get Martin Luther King day off?”
“Well what about President’s Day?”
“I have the week of Spring Break…”
“Ah, yeah, I miss that week.”
“What about the Fourth of July?”
“They have to give us that one.”
“Well just think of it this way, the baby will be born around then.”
“Great. So before my second holiday off you’ll have made an entire human being.”
Corporations. I remember growing up and hearing the word “corporate” and hating it. When that word was used it meant my dad was not going to get the time off he wanted, or had to stay later in the office. He commuted every day to his work, 45 minutes every morning and night, over a scary pass, you may have heard of it in the news lately from a bus crash that happened the other day, Deadman Pass it is called. He worked in the “neighboring” town over, but we didn’t live there, we lived here, because as you know that is where my mom was raised. My dad, Mr. Green, was a hard worker, I suppose I get my work ethic from him. But something I unfortunately learned was that corporations do not really care how hard of a worker you are. The corporation he worked for, for 26 years, went bankrupt and closed their doors with very little notice to their employees. Our God is faithful however and my dad was offered a job at another local business. But it was just another stroke against the way corporations are run in my mind. I don’t like it.
I have a hard time saying no. I actually don’t ever say no. It’s a really big thing for me if I do. Like standing-on-top-of-the-world kind of big. Again, I am a people-pleaser. People don’t really like when you tell them no. Actually you sort of just get this blank stare in response, I hate that stare. That stare makes my insides tense up and the words, “Sure I can do it,” come out of my mouth faster than you can blink. I can say no to my siblings however, that doesn’t seem to bother me. Do I tell them no? Hardly ever. I’m impressed when I watch others say no, it makes me a little queasy when I witness it, but I’m impressed nonetheless.
I want to be one of those people when I grow up.
One of my biggest fears is turning into another cog in the corporate machine. I don’t want to be eaten up, sucked dry, and then spat out on the street, lost and alone. I have seen that happen to the greater half of Americans, it looks terrifying.
I was thinking the other day about that dreaded question I was asked one million and one times after I graduated (college) by everyone and their mother. “So now what are your plans?”
What is it you really want to do with your life Katelyn?
(I love when it is phrased like that too, like everyone is all too aware that it’s a rarity to actually have a job you enjoy doing.)
Honestly, at this point I would love to be able to do anything with music. Not necessarily performing, but writing. If I could get paid to write, that would be brilliant. What a silly notion, eh? I love words. I really, really do. I love music even more though. Creating music is something I can’t even describe with words, so that should tell you right there what it means to me.
If I could do mission work, be a part of some organization, travel around the world, and play worship music, that would be my ideal dream “job.” To be able to show God’s love to people, to help where I can, that would be simply amazing.
I get jealous, which is the wrong emotion to have, when I see other people get these opportunities to go do exactly what I want to do. When they post pictures on Facebook of them visiting other countries, helping out in orphanages, building houses, visiting churches, I scroll through them wishing I was doing all of it too. It makes going into an office every day that much harder. I sometimes feel like a fish out of water.
I’m told to just go for it. I’m only young once, just step out of the box and do it. I think most people assume it’s fear that holds me back. Because I haven’t traveled outside the country, or lived outside of this town, they sum it up to being that I am too scared to go out and explore. I stayed here because school was cheaper. I haven’t traveled outside the U.S. because I have never had the extra funds to do so. My family is here, my church family is here, almost my entire support system lives here. I do not want to be living in some other city, working some other office job, attempting to make ends meet, without the encouragement I receive here. Not saying that won’t ever happen, but it will have to be God directing me to do so.
It’s the money that holds me back. The heavy chains of student loans that strap me down. You see you can’t just stop paying them when you move off to some foreign country. Unfortunately they keep coming in the mail. So maybe 20 years from now I’ll have that luxury to be able to save money. What a concept! I know I am not alone in this either. I can only imagine what those people owe that go to private universities. It makes my stomach clench thinking about it.
What do you really want to do with your life?
I know not everyone is meant to live this high-speed, crazy adventurous life. I just hope to accomplish one exciting feat in my lifetime.
But look at it this way Katelyn, in about 130 days you’ll be holding your new niece or nephew!
Here is a picture of the little one. I want to hug it and squeeze it already!
** Please ignore the mass of cliches, I am well aware this post is riddled with them. **