If I could, I would offer you a glass of wine, a cup of coffee, tea, lemon water, or whatever your beverage of choice may be, and make sure you are comfortably gathered around me, for I am about to tell you, dear friends, some very close kept secrets.
(I decided I liked introducing music in my posts, so click the following would you and set the tone? “Click here“)
Let me grab my glass (mason jar) of wine, and we shall begin…
I like to believe I have a pretty good idea of who I am as a person. For the most part I have a very solid grasp on what does or does not catch my fancy, what I approve of, what interests me, what disgusts me…
But truthfully I have no idea who I am, and that, at times, can be scary. I know many would intervene here and say, “Oh, but Katelyn, you are a Christian, you are a “child of God.”” I do not by any means want to belittle the greatness of what that is and all it encompasses, but I am not trying to find those answers, I already have them. No, I am in search of the answers after that. It could be considered blasphemy, I suppose, to say I want more than just those first definitions of identity. However, I don’t believe it is. I think God wants me to search for something deeper. Now I have gone off on a tangent, let me get back on track…
Here is something I do not talk about very often, my fears. I have one in particular that tends to destroy me more often than I would like to admit.
I do not want to be forgotten.
I do not think there is a worse feeling than being passed by. From that stems hurt, loss of hope, defeat, and a wariness of all that you have held as true.
There is one thing I have started to realize, and it comforts me to know I am not alone in this, that there is a desperation in everyone to be noticed, to be seen and to be set apart as something significant.
I have been under the impression, and told quite often, that if I gain the confidence in “who I am” that I will be seen as something special. You can understand my dilemma now… What happens if I’m not sure who that person is?
Life has been a little on the rough side lately. Something else I do not like to talk about often, it makes me feel vulnerable, and who ever wants to be that!? I have been feeling rather passed by lately. I am waiting, for whatever God has planned, to come forth and yet am not seeing any… fruition. Music, travel, love, it is all on the horizon, yet it hasn’t come close enough for me to grab. But oh, how it’s teased me, rather painfully, it has teased me…
When life gets rough, Katelyn gets busy… and funny. It is the mechanism I use to cope – humor, oh humor. As long as I am laughing and making others laugh, then life can’t be that bad, can it? I flash my pearly whites, throw out a giggle or two, and convince myself and others that I am completely fine. “I am fine.” My walls could be crumbling around me and I would still stand up and make a dry, sarcastic joke of some kind. It’s my knee-jerk reaction when I feel uncomfortable, upset, or hurt.
And I am hurting.
There is a secret for you. My purpose in writing this is not to seek out some type of attention or words of encouragement. Trust me, this is the farthest thing from what I would like to be discussing with you. Yet, after many, many conversations with old friends, new friends, acquaintances, and family members as of late, I have decided this is the exact topic I should be writing about. When did it become wrong for us all to admit that we are broken? I can be honest and say that I, for one, feel embarrassed when talking about my insecurities, my fears, or coming forward about being hurt and upset. It shows weakness and an inability to cope with life/reality, at least that is the way I have been made to feel. I do not like to be a hindrance to someone, a nuisance, and so I choose to swallow any differing of opinions, protests, or offenses. Who wants to carry my burdens?
It is strange how fiercely I will defend someone I care about, yet don’t do the same when it comes to me. I wonder if it stems back to how deeply you know your identity. Perhaps I have more confidence in who they are as a person than I do myself. I choose to sweep my worries and concerns under the rug as if they are shameful dirt that the guests cannot see. I am not the only guilty party here, I am sure there have been times where you have hidden what is truly in your heart and mind as well.
Really, I am manifesting my own fear by allowing myself to be hidden in the shadows. You will walk right on by when I have practically painted myself the color of the walls. I am making myself easily forgettable.
What I hear from others is that they are confused and scared. What they feel on the inside is not quite matching up to how they present themselves on the outside, and that conflict is detrimental. I think it comes down to trusting people. I, for one, trust very few people. Very, very few. When you trust a person you are practically handing over your heart anxiously hoping it will be handled with care. I do not like being anxious. I wish you could go through life not needing to rely on others, but unfortunately it happens. I have many scars from trusting, even some fresh ones. It is a very hard thing indeed to be completely yourself with somebody, so hard in fact that very few accomplish such a feat.
Confused, scared… and lonely. There is my other secret for you. I feel very lonely at times.
I have an incredible family, and outstanding friends. I do not want to downplay that, because in fact they might be the best part of me. But that does not change the fact that I sometimes feel forsaken. I question God quite often, and whether you feel that is disgraceful is up to you, but I seek answers to my trials. Even David cried out, and Jesus later quoted him, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Psalm 22:1; Matthew 27:46).
I so desperately wish I had the answers. I begin writing these posts with such great intentions to reveal some spectacular outlook on life, something that will pass along hope and shed some light on whatever issues you may be facing, but this time I have nothing of the sort. No grand interpretation, no lightbulb to click on. All I can say is that you are not the only one feeling what you are. I am right there with you, beaten down and tattered.
I’ve finished my wine now, which means this post is coming to a close. I do not like ending on such a sad note however, so the following is the one thing that I have been reading repeatedly the past two weeks. I have been clinging to it. Because I cannot offer you any words of wisdom this time I hope this comforts you as much as it does me.
1 O God, listen to my cry!
Hear my prayer!
2 From the ends of the earth,
I cry to you for help
when my heart is overwhelmed.
Lead me to the towering rock of safety,
3 for you are my safe refuge,
a fortress where my enemies cannot reach me.
4 Let me live forever in your sanctuary,
safe beneath the shelter of your wings!