What do i know?


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At 24 years old I do not pretend to know much of how the world and the people within work. At times I would like to understand it a little more, if not only so I don’t feel so small (no pun intended), but then the comfort of naivete calls to me and so I nestle underneath that blanket for as long as I can. However, despite that knee jerk reaction to hide, the time under the blanket always tends to be relatively short. I blame my father. As he likes to say, “I did not raise puppets.” To translate: cut the strings or pleasantly remove that stick, and figure out how to be the person God has created you to be. And deal with situations as they come, instead of letting someone else dictate things for you.

This isn’t always easy.

Actually for me it’s almost nearly impossible.

I can’t help but look to everyone I know, that lives under the Sun… to tell me what to do. I want their opinions, I want their reassurances, their encouragements, their answers. Oh the woes of being a “words of affirmation” kind of person. It drives my family nuts at times… or always. (Shout out to the fam for putting up with me!). I need to be told that even though I may not understand what is going on, or why it’s happening, that me, as a person, is still good, still okay. Otherwise I start hiding under that blanket again.

Why am I writing about this?

Because I’m straight up crazy. And this is my blog, so I can.

Maybe it’s the time of year… We are heading into Fall which is when I lost a piece of myself several years ago when my Grandpa passed away. For some reason, subconsciously or not, I start having those faint feelings I had in the time following his death. Confusion mostly. The need to figure things out and deal with… something. There have been other contributing factors that have me questioning life recently, things that have knocked the wind out of my sails a bit… so perhaps it’s just a mix of things. This is turning into one of my more serious postings, isn’t it?

My devotion this morning, though, is what really stirred me to write, something I don’t often do anymore. I’ve been following Joyce Meyer’s online devotional, the link is here if you would like to check it out yourself. The title was a little fitting for me today, “Knowledge Can Be Dangerous.” I’m in the mode of “let’s figure out this mess of life, shall we?” and it’s turning into obsessive, over-analytical thought patterns. So here is the scripture that the devotion was based on:

For I determined not to know any thing among you, save Jesus Christ, and him crucified. — 1 Corinthians 2:2 (KJV)

There it is, simply put. Well done Paul, well done.

Again I’m 24 and don’t pretend to know much of the world… but this I do know… I, just like many, many others, like to know exactly what is going to happen in my life. I like a plan, I like a routine, I like surprises on my own terms. Because of this I tend to attempt to figure out every little thing around me, I try to foresee my future, hope for the best, plan for the worst, question absolutely everything. And I mean everything. You know what I’m talking about… all those pesky little “what ifs” start popping up like the weeds that don’t stand a chance in my Dad’s yard. However, in my yard they’re everywhere. (Figuratively speaking here people, stay with me.) So what ends up usually happening from all of this, my attempts at gaining ‘knowledge’, is I trap myself, I talk myself out of doing things, talk myself into doing other things, and ultimately turn into my own worst enemy. “Sometimes the more knowledge we accumulate, the more problems we create.” (That is from Joyce right there folks.)

All I really need to know is Jesus. That’s it.

I read into 1 Corinthians 2 further and found this little nugget of revelation:

The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. 11 For who knows a person’s thoughts except their own spirit within them? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.

How desperately at times I wish I could see into someone’s mind so I can understand what they’re thinking. How even more I wish I could do that with God. But I know to rest in the fact that He already has things figured out, even if I’m feeling torn up inside with confusion. I’ve also learned things don’t necessarily look or unfold the way you think they should. Darn society and the misconstrued conceptions it churns up, I shake my fist at you! I know to just wait on God, and that still small voice. The challenge He seems to be giving me a lot lately; wait on Me.

My challenge to you… Wait on Him. Whatever it is you may be dealing with on your end. I’ve come to realize that the best things happen when I wait for His guidance, instead of following my own plans, or knee-jerk reactions.

But I’m only 24, what do I know?

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