I suppose I should put a big WARNING on this particular post as it is going to contain some fairly forward opinions of mine and lots of discussing about God, but I would hope that despite the mention of both you’ll continue reading along.
In the past week I have experienced some drastic highs and lows in my emotions and attitude. [Insert terrible jokes about my gender here.] Whenever this happens I know that the pages in my journal, or random sheets of paper, are going to be mutilated with my thoughts, worries, frustrations, hopes and whatever word vomit comes out. It’s the way I cope, and always have, by putting pen to paper, its therapeutic for me. I have had two self-revelations come out of this recently (or repeating offenders):
1) I get angry with God, a lot.
2) I complain too much, even if it’s just between the Big Guy and I.
I don’t like to admit either, for multiple reasons, some pertaining to pride, and others pertaining to that pressure of a Christian stereotype we feel we must wear around like a ridiculous Halloween costume. Yet, I said I was going to be forward, so I must get over my own insecurities and press on.
Here is how I see it: People (and I’m including myself in this) tend to run to God when we are in need of something. We all know the most common situation is when death is involved, or the potentiality of it, and so I don’t need to elaborate there, but even in passing remarks we hear this all the time, “The new Batman movie is coming out… God, I want to see it!” Trivial, yes? But true just the same. I, in my prayers, persistently ask for things. I am unhappy with myself more often than I’d like to be, and always make sure to let God know how He can help me with that. “God, could you give me a different laugh?” “Lord, will you help me not talk so much.” “Jesus, I need your help to make me look and act more like her or him.” We very rarely wake up in the morning and say, “God, I’m going to do the best I can to be the person you’ve made me today.”
This is where the anger part comes in. Instead of being thankful for what I have been given, I get angry about what I haven’t been given. No, I’m not speaking of just material items here, I’m referring to my personality traits and talents as well, what makes me, me. Sister Fierce has killer legs, I yell at God about how unfair his choice in distributing our genetics was. My friend Pants, don’t ask, has jaw-dropping vocals, I wonder why I can’t sound like her… you see where I’m going with this.
I focus on what I feel I lack.
I must admit something else, now please don’t throw rocks at me or cast me out to the desert after hearing this. I, at times, get tired of hearing the scriptural encouragements. There are moments where they actually frustrate me more than anything. I have even purposefully ignored my Bible because reading what God says in there has made me even angrier. Shocking I know, and so not “Christian-like” of me. But poop on you if you actually thought that. It makes sense why I would feel that way, for a few reasons. One being that we’re all children of God and as such will throw our tantrums because we aren’t getting our way, or what we want, and we see the Lord as being the one withholding whatever it is. Two is the obvious ‘facing reality’ situation, we know what is right we just aren’t wanting to do it, and having someone tell you what you need to do makes you cranky when you’re already feeling convicted as is. And three, the one I find is the biggest problem I face, is the accepting and believing that what the scripture says is truth. (Let me clarify that I’m not meaning the entirety of the Bible, but certain things God says to us.) Notice how I even called them ‘scriptural encouragements’ at the beginning of this, uh, what is that?!
Jeremiah 1:5 says, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart.” Before I was even conceived by my wonderful, and
slightly OCD unique, parents God said he knew me. Not only did he know me, but he set me apart… in layman’s terms, he created me to be different. Trust me, this is not the first time I’ve heard this scripture, or understood this revelation. But to put what I stated in the previous paragraph to work, I must believe this is true. Instead of asking God why He made me the way I am, and instead of comparing myself to every single person around me, it’s time I just start liking what He has created in me. How much time do we waste being unhappy with ourselves? Feeling like we are failures because we don’t match up to Lady Gaga… wait… Or feeling like we got gipped when God was creating us? I don’t know about you but the thought of living the rest of my life complaining about what I’m not is a bit daunting.
So where do I go from here? How do I change that? One hour at a time my dear friends, just one hour at a time. Reminding myself that I may not think I’m anything special, but He does. He purposefully made me how I am, so I better start liking it.
And as part of who I am here is my random video that I’m throwing in here… I cannot get this song out of my head. Click me!